About three months ago, I posted on Facebook asking people to share questions they had about either my personal adoption story or just questions about adoption in general. This post is to answer those questions as well as to share a few questions that have been commonly been asked.
The answers to these questions are, of course, going to be influenced by my personal story as an adoptee and shouldn't be seen as an answer or all adoptees since every story is so different. There is no way to generalize an entire group of completely unique individuals. However, I hope the answers I've provided can give you a little bit of understanding or at least insight into adoption.
Questions
What was it like growing up with a family that doesn't look like you?
Growing up, I knew I didn't look the same as my family. However, I didn't really care. I was lucky enough to be adopted by parents who treated me the same as their biological children, and I was also in a healthy environment unlike many other adoptees. As an adult, looking different from my family still isn't something that bothers me.
One thing I can say, though, is that there have been times when I've completely forgotten I don't look like my family. I've seen other adoptees say similar things, and as I get older I've found it rings true with me. What I mean is that sometimes I completely forget I'm Asian. It's kind of hard to explain what I mean, and I know that this kind of thought manifests itself differently in each person. Essentially for me, I often feel as if I am of no particular race or ethnicity. It's kind of an "I'm here, and that's it" kind of feeling. I feel that I'm just something undefinable. Long story short, I'm still figuring this out for myself.
Were you ever made fun of for being adopted?
I was never personally made fun of for being adopted. Interestingly enough, it wasn't until I entered university that I started realizing how little people really know about adoption and how infrequently people have interactions with people who have been adopted, whether domestically or internationally.
My first year of university was actually as a post-secondary student. (Note: post-secondary means taking university level classes while still in high school to complete both high school and university requirements.) After that first semester, I was left feeling really out of sorts with people, and I felt off-centered. I had never before experienced almost daily comments about my race and origins. I had also never had to explain the fact that I was adopted before to so many people. (Not that I technically owed anyone any kind of explanation.) It kind of felt like a daily routine: go to school, get asked by some stranger about my origins, go to work, get asked by some stranger about my origins, go home, and repeat. It felt like I never got a break. It built up a lot of frustration at other people and self-consciousness and self-doubt inside me about who I was and where I belonged.
It's hard. To be very honest. It's hard growing up with the feeling that there's something missing, even when your life is filled to overflowing with love and people who love you. It's hard to explain to people that adoption, no matter how good your situation and surroundings are, still affects you, sometimes daily. I'm in an extremely safe, loving environment, but I've still had to spend months sorting through how I feel about my adoption, about myself, and figuring out where I stand on the issue.
It's hard growing up not knowing one of your parents, but in my case, I didn't know my mother or my father. It's hard knowing that you came from someone and somewhere but don't have free access to those people or those places. Google and social media are of little help in this kind of situation.
It's hardest now that I'm in this kind of limbo place where I've met some of my biological family. It's extremely important to think about how the relationship with my biological family fits into my relationship with my adopted family, but it's hard. So hard. How does one balance such a thing? There are no perfect formulas or three-step plans.
Marlena asked, "Do you identify yourself mostly Korean, American, Asian American, or something else? (I'm sure you could say yes to all three but which is the most immediate response/strongest connection.)"
I kind of answered this in the first question. For a long time I didn't consider myself anything. When I answered the required "What is your ethnicity" question, I put Asian/Pacific Islander without any thought because I'd been told I was Asian, but if someone had actually asked me what I considered myself, I wouldn't have had an answer.
Even now, I still struggle with this whole "where do I fit" feeling. I don't really see myself as Korean- or Asian-American because, to me, that implies that my parents were/are Asian immigrants and that I was raised by Asian parents, which I wasn't. So, I feel those terms don't apply to me, though some will say they do. That being said, I think that whether other adoptees are or should be considered Asian-Americans is up to the individual. I will use whatever term they claim for themselves, though I don't claim those terms for myself personally.
The closest to an answer I can give is that I do consider myself American. I was raised here in the United States. I have a great amount of national pride for the United States, and I know I want to settle down here after I'm done traveling the world and seeing what else is out there. I think, ideally, that the term American should be able to encompass all races and ethnicities without having to have something else ahead of it.
Beth H asked, "Would you consider adopting locally or internationally yourself? Why or why not?"
I would definitely adopt if it was the right situation. I hold no personal grudges against adoption. As an adoptee, I know how tricky it can be, but assuming it's done correctly and with all checks and balances completed. I think adoption can be a wonderful thing, despite its hardships.
I would want to try domestic adoption first, most likely through a foster-to-adopt program, though the process is often much more difficult because of the way the American system is set up. I do recognize that the experiences of a domestic adoptee are going to be different than mine since the biological family could still be very much involved in the adoption, however, I'm a firm believer that foster care is supposed to be a temporary solution and that children shouldn't have to age out of the system as often as they do. This one of the main reasons I would want to adopt domestically first.
Scott A asked, "At our church in Waco, we just had a member complete the adoption process from China. The family announced to the congregation that their child is now a part of their family and their wish was for people to not continually refer to their child as adopted. They explained that the child WAS adopted (a one-time past-tense action), but now they are part of the family to the same extent as if they had never gone through an adoption.
I thought that was a beautiful way to describe the process of change that Christ works in us and the process of earthly adoption. But I'm genuinely curious: as someone who at one time was adopted (trying it out), do you feel that this is a helpful verbal framework to introduce to society to achieve better family cohesion or cultural understanding of adoption? Why or why not?"
As I said before, adoption can be a beautiful thing when the intentions are right. Every adoption has the potential to be something amazing and wonderful for both the child and the adopting family. Unfortunately, many adoptee families don't ever reach that potential.
I think that the parents in this situation have good intentions. It sounds like these parents really want people to see their child as part of their family, regardless of whether the child was adopted or not and that they see their child as their own. That's something that is important since many people have the mentality that the adopting parents are "helping" or even "saving" a child from something by adopting, which is a completely wrong mentality.
What I would say is that the parents need to be very careful about how literally they take their own words. To say that the child is now a part of their family to the same extent as if they were biologically born of them as parents, it's hard to know if that means they will be less open to their child exploring his/her adoption and roots as he/she gets older. It's something that is extremely important for an adoptee to understand about themselves since it's an integral part of their life. I would like to think that these parents are going to be open and even encourage their child to explore every aspect of their adoption, should that child choose to, and to not hinder them while their child is sorting through all of that.
It's important for everyone to remember that each member of a family is their own individual person. Because a family is made up of individuals, that means each person is going to experience different things in life, have different opinions about things, and to react differently to things. I think it's theoretically great to consider any child who is adopted to be a part of their adopting family as if they were "never" adopted, but like I've said before, that adoptee is going to have things to work through. Just as every other child will. The adopted child's experiences are going to be unique, but those experiences don't have to make that child any less a a part of that family than any biological children.
I think in the case of Christ, phrasing it in such a way is completely accurate. When we accept Christ, we do become part of His family, but I believe that we always were. Rather than being someone who was previously unrelated to God and suddenly becoming a part of His "biological" family, we were prodigal children who are merely returning to our Father. It can be said that this journey home to our Father is often just as complex and difficult as that of an adoptee returning to reunite with their biological family.
Jamie C asked, "For quite a few years now, becoming an adoptive parent has been my heart's desire. When I became more financially stable, I am considering adopting internationally. What are some things I should be aware of prior to adopting, especially since I plan on adopting more than one child?"
This is one of the best questions to possibly ask. While there is no perfect answer, since every adoption journey is going to be just as unique, it's a good place to start. There aren't a ton of pre-adoption classes or informational gatherings for prospective parents, which is unfortunate since it's something I feel is greatly needed. If you know of one when you're planning on adopting, make sure you sign up to attend!
I think one of the most important things to think of is that you need to go into the adoption process with the right mindset. You aren't on a righteous mission to rescue some poor soul from another country, or even one from your own country. By adopting a child, you are not suddenly making that child's life better. It may seem like it, especially if you know the child's background, but you are not their savior. There are many adoptive parents who go into the process with a charity-mission minded focus, which is entirely wrong. A child is not your charity. A child is a child.
Another thing is to explain adoption to those closest to you and to people who are going to interact with your adopted child on a regular basis. I've been told before that I must feel so blessed to have been adopted. It's something that's commonly said to adoptees, and it's a completely inappropriate mindset. It's a completely unfair assumption. People have this mindset that the adopted children are the ones who should feel blessed while Hallmark cards and the media spout off that the parents are the "blessed" ones after having a biological child. While a person may, indeed, feel blessed to have been adopted, that is up to the individual, not something to be pushed at the child unwillingly.
There's a lot more I could say on this subject, but I won't for the sake of the amount of time it would take to read all of that. However, I'm always open to discuss this more. As you get closer to the time when you're ready to adopt, I highly recommend talking to parents who have adopted and asking them what they wish they'd known before they adopted. I'm sure all of them will have something to share. Also try to ask other adoptees for their input as well since I'm just one in a million.
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